She’s Pregnant and I’m Panicking
Hear from our Men’s Services Director Lans Jones, CFLE-P. Through his work as a fatherhood coach, Lans has seen firsthand the wide range of emotions men can experience when a pregnancy is unexpected. Here, he shares some of what he’s learned and the guidance he offers men navigating those first overwhelming moments.
In my time as a fatherhood coach, I’ve sat down with many men who, from the first announcement, were thrilled about becoming someone’s dad. For others, shock, worry, and being overwhelmed describe their initial experience at the news of coming fatherhood. And still, for some men, disappointment, frustration, or even anger are their visceral reactions when they learn about their partner’s pregnancy. Their plans did not include becoming a father now, again, or with this woman. Therefore, they reflexively conclude that life as they knew it, and the future they envisioned for themselves, has been altered or lost completely. As with any significant life event, unexpected pregnancy can be accompanied by a panicked reaction.
The sudden sensation of panic can dominate or even prevent reasonable and logical thinking in any would-be-dad. If the fight or flight response is triggered and insufficiently addressed, then the panic sensation can morph into feelings of anxiety, agitation, and sometimes resentment. This is when things can emotionally, sexually, and relationally deteriorate for the adults in the situation. If the father is panicking, all parties in the relationship are affected.
So, what can be done? First things first, breathe . . . just breathe. Long, deep, lung filling focused breaths are what’s needed to identify and acknowledge your emotional state. Soon-to-be dads need to first recognize their panic before they can manage, reduce, and eliminate it. Unidentified panic won’t get better on its own and under addressed panic will multiply, so breathing and being honest about how you’re feeling regarding the pregnancy news is the first step.
Next, it's usually wiser to say nothing than the wrong thing. While no woman wants to hear silence from her partner after disclosing the news of her pregnancy, it’s often better to be quiet than to say something regretful. Of course, saying little to nothing when she first shares that you’re going to be a father can be hurtful to a pregnancy partner, but a muted response may do less damage than a knee-jerk reaction.
If you don’t know what to say or she’s disturbed by your initial reaction, ask for some processing time. Becoming a parent, whether for the first time or again, is a life changing event. This requires intention and time to process all the implications of the numerous changes coming. The initial work of processing news of this magnitude can be challenging, so don’t avoid it or rush it. Be kind to your baby, your partner, and yourself by giving yourself some time to do the work.
Find your safe space and use it to get all those confusing, conflicting, and unexpected feelings out. Seek a friend, phone your counselor, write in your journal, or speak with a fatherhood coach, etc. Be wise with whom you choose to share your first unprocessed, incoherent thoughts. Your pregnancy partner may not be the safest place to share your first and most impulsive thoughts. Things can get said that aren’t really meant, or a truth can be stated poorly. These kinds of unforced errors will require an apology later.
Pray, read your bible, and worship the creator and sustainer of life. A baby is a blessing. Yes, every time. Even when the pregnancy seems untimely, or when the partner of the pregnancy isn’t your ideal mate. Actively seeking God’s help and peace is your most solid option for reducing your panic. Knowing that God is not only aware of your situation, but actually for you in it will do wonders to calm your panic. You’ll come to understand that you don’t have to have all the answers or produce all the solutions immediately. But, trusting that God has a plan when you don’t, and that he isn’t panicking when you are, is helpful and the peaceful, panic-eliminating comfort you really need.